When we help families through divorce, one of the most important concerns we hear from parents is how to prepare their children. Divorce can be emotionally difficult for kids at any age (including adult children). How you explain the changes depends largely on your child’s stage of development. Young children process separation differently than teens, and no single conversation will answer all of their questions. That’s why it’s important to be thoughtful and honest while keeping the explanation simple and focused on their needs. Under Illinois law, courts require parents to prioritize the best interests of the children at every stage of the divorce, and that includes how you prepare them emotionally.
Illinois law, under 750 ILCS 5/602.5, outlines specific factors that courts use to determine parenting time and decision-making responsibility. One of those factors is how well each parent fosters a loving relationship between the child and the other parent. That means starting with open, respectful communication is not just good parenting—it supports your legal position as well. The way you present the divorce to your children can shape how they cope, how they adjust, and how they maintain trust with both parents.
Children under the age of five need very basic explanations. They don’t understand legal processes or long-term consequences. Instead of saying, “We’re getting divorced,” focus on changes they will actually notice. For example, you might say, “Mom and Dad are going to live in different homes, but we both love you, and you’ll still see us all the time.” Keep routines as consistent as possible. Preschoolers thrive on predictability, and sudden changes in living arrangements or daycare can be stressful. Reassure them that the separation is not their fault.
School-age kids understand more but still tend to see things from their own point of view. They may worry about where they will live, who will take them to school, or if they caused the divorce. Be clear and calm. Let them know that both parents will continue to care for them. Avoid blame. Saying “your father doesn’t want to live here anymore” may hurt your child’s relationship with the other parent and could be used against you under 750 ILCS 5/602.7(b)(13), which looks at efforts to maintain the parent-child relationship.
Older children and teens are more likely to understand what divorce means and may ask deeper questions about why the marriage ended. They may feel angry, pull away emotionally, or take sides. Be ready for strong reactions, and don’t expect them to take the news without emotion. Give them space to process, but keep communication open. Emphasize that the divorce is a decision between adults and not something they could have changed. Teens may have their own preferences about parenting time, and Illinois law allows judges to consider their input, though it is not the deciding factor.
No matter your child’s age, they need to know three things: both parents love them, the divorce is not their fault, and their daily needs will continue to be met. Avoid making promises you can’t keep. Avoid asking your child to pass messages or take sides. And never speak negatively about the other parent in front of them. These behaviors not only damage your child’s well-being, they may also damage your custody position in court.
Start by reassuring your child that this is an adult decision and that they did not cause it. Use simple, age-appropriate language, and emphasize that both parents will always love and support them.
Yes. Courts in Illinois consider whether each parent supports the child’s relationship with the other parent. Bad-mouthing the other parent or trying to influence your child’s opinion can harm your case.
No. Focus on what your child needs to know to feel secure. Keep the explanation age-appropriate and avoid discussing personal issues between you and your spouse. Children should not feel caught in the middle.
That’s a normal reaction, especially for teens. Give them time, keep communication open, and consider working with a family therapist if your child is struggling to cope.
The court may consider the child’s wishes if they are mature enough to express a reasoned preference, but it is only one factor among many. The final decision is based on the child’s best interests.
Document the behavior and speak to your attorney. This conduct can be considered by the court under Illinois law when determining parenting time and decision-making responsibilities.
Stick to consistent schedules, keep school routines the same, and ensure both parents stay involved in school events, healthcare, and daily life. Stability gives children a sense of security.
If possible, it’s often best to tell them together in a calm and united way. Presenting a consistent message helps reduce confusion and conflict.
It’s okay to ask how they feel, but avoid placing the burden of decision-making on them. Children should not be asked to choose between parents.
Yes. A therapist experienced in family transitions can give your child tools to process the changes and express their emotions in a healthy way.
At Gordon & Perlut, LLC, we know how important your children’s well-being is during a divorce. Our legal team helps you make decisions that protect your family and your future. If you’re considering divorce and want to approach it in a way that supports your child emotionally and meets the legal standards under Illinois law, we’re here to help.
If you’re facing divorce, contact our Chicago divorce attorney at our Chicago office at 312-360-0250 or our Skokie office at 847-329-0101 to arrange a free consultation. We represent clients throughout all of Illinois with care, clarity, and legal strength.