Every marriage experiences disagreements, periods of stress, and communication challenges. While occasional conflict is a normal part of any long-term relationship, decades of relationship research suggest that certain patterns of behavior are much more strongly associated with marital dissatisfaction and, in some cases, divorce.
One of the most influential researchers in this field, psychologist Dr. John Gottman, identified four destructive communication behaviors that frequently appear in struggling marriages. Often referred to as the “Four Horsemen,” these behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Although the presence of one or more of these behaviors does not guarantee that a marriage will end in divorce, failing to address them can make it increasingly difficult for couples to resolve conflict in healthy ways.
Understanding these communication patterns can help couples recognize potential problems early, seek counseling when appropriate, and make informed decisions about the future of their relationship.
Constructive criticism is an important part of healthy communication. Every couple occasionally discusses behaviors that cause frustration or inconvenience.
Healthy criticism focuses on the specific behavior rather than attacking the person.
For example, saying:
“I’d really appreciate it if you could put your dishes in the dishwasher after dinner.”
is very different from saying:
“You’re lazy and never clean up after yourself.”
The first statement addresses a particular action and offers a solution. The second attacks the person’s character.
When criticism regularly shifts from discussing behavior to assigning negative personality traits, resentment often begins to build. Over time, repeated personal attacks may leave one spouse feeling unappreciated, disrespected, or emotionally unsafe.
Learning to express concerns without attacking one another personally can significantly improve communication within a marriage.
Among the communication behaviors identified by relationship researchers, contempt is often considered the most damaging.
Contempt involves communicating superiority, disrespect, disgust, ridicule, or hostility toward a spouse. Rather than expressing disagreement, contempt conveys the message that one spouse believes they are better than the other.
Examples of contempt may include:
For example, instead of calmly discussing a mistake at the grocery store, one spouse may repeatedly say:
“You can’t do anything right.”
or
“I have no idea how you’ve managed to survive this long.”
Repeated expressions of contempt often damage trust, reduce emotional intimacy, and make productive communication increasingly difficult.
Healthy marriages require mutual respect, even during disagreements.
Defensiveness often develops when one spouse feels criticized or attacked.
Instead of listening carefully and accepting responsibility for their role in a disagreement, a defensive person may immediately:
For example, if one spouse says:
“I felt overwhelmed handling the children’s schedules by myself this week.”
A defensive response might be:
“Well, you’re not perfect either.”
or
“I only forgot because you never remind me.”
These responses rarely resolve the original issue.
In contrast, acknowledging even a small portion of responsibility often creates opportunities for productive conversations.
Simple responses such as:
“I understand why that frustrated you.”
or
“I could have handled that better.”
may help reduce conflict and encourage collaborative problem-solving.
Taking responsibility does not necessarily mean accepting all of the blame. Instead, it demonstrates a willingness to work together toward improving the relationship.
Stonewalling occurs when one spouse emotionally withdraws from conflict rather than participating in the conversation.
This may involve:
Stonewalling is often misunderstood.
In some situations, it does not occur because someone does not care. Instead, a spouse may become emotionally overwhelmed and temporarily unable to continue communicating effectively.
Relationship experts often recommend taking a short break when emotions become too intense, allowing both spouses to calm down before returning to the discussion.
The important distinction is whether communication eventually resumes.
Taking a 20- or 30-minute break with the intention of continuing the conversation later is very different from refusing to discuss important issues for days or weeks.
While criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling receive significant attention, they are not the only indicators that a relationship may be experiencing serious difficulty.
Other warning signs can include:
Every couple has disagreements. However, repeatedly arguing about the same unresolved issues without making progress can indicate deeper communication problems.
Many struggling couples report feeling more like roommates than spouses. Emotional withdrawal, lack of affection, and reduced communication can gradually weaken a marriage over time.
Trust can be damaged by infidelity, financial dishonesty, repeated broken promises, substance abuse, or other significant breaches of confidence.
Rebuilding trust often requires considerable effort, transparency, and sometimes professional counseling.
Marriages frequently become strained when spouses develop significantly different priorities regarding finances, parenting, careers, retirement, or future plans.
Maintaining open conversations about long-term goals helps couples adapt as life circumstances change.
Disagreements themselves are not necessarily harmful. Instead, problems often arise when couples are unable to resolve conflict respectfully.
Healthy conflict involves listening, compromise, empathy, and mutual respect.
In many cases, yes.
Recognizing unhealthy communication patterns is often the first step toward improving a marriage.
Many couples benefit from:
Seeking professional help does not mean a marriage has failed. In fact, many couples strengthen their relationships by learning healthier communication skills before problems become overwhelming.
However, counseling is not appropriate or effective in every situation, particularly when domestic violence, coercive control, or abuse is present. In those circumstances, personal safety should always remain the highest priority.
Despite sincere efforts to repair a relationship, some marriages cannot be successfully preserved.
Persistent abuse, repeated infidelity, chronic substance abuse, severe financial misconduct, irreconcilable differences, or years of unresolved conflict may ultimately lead one or both spouses to conclude that divorce is the healthiest path forward.
Ending a marriage is rarely an easy decision. It often involves significant emotional, financial, and legal considerations, particularly when children are involved.
If you are considering divorce, understanding your legal rights before making important decisions can help protect your future and reduce uncertainty throughout the process.
Illinois is a no-fault divorce state. Rather than proving wrongdoing by either spouse, a divorce may generally be granted when irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
During the divorce process, courts may address important issues including:
Every divorce is unique, and the outcome depends on each family’s individual circumstances.
No. Every marriage experiences disagreements from time to time. What matters most is how couples communicate and resolve conflict. Respectful discussions that focus on solving problems are very different from repeated personal attacks or ongoing hostility.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four destructive communication patterns that frequently appear in struggling relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. While these behaviors are associated with marital distress, they do not guarantee that a couple will divorce.
Research suggests that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of marital dissatisfaction because it communicates disrespect and superiority rather than simply expressing disagreement. Couples who maintain mutual respect during conflict are generally better equipped to resolve differences constructively.
In many situations, yes. Marriage counseling can help couples identify unhealthy communication patterns, improve conflict resolution skills, and rebuild trust. However, counseling may not be appropriate in relationships involving abuse or domestic violence, where safety should remain the primary concern.
There is no universal answer. Every marriage is different. If you are experiencing ongoing conflict, emotional distress, or uncertainty about your future, speaking with both a qualified mental health professional and an experienced family law attorney can help you better understand your options.
Before filing, it is often helpful to gather financial documents, understand your household budget, review your assets and debts, and consult with an experienced divorce attorney to learn about your legal rights and responsibilities under Illinois law.
If your marriage has reached the point where divorce appears to be the best path forward, obtaining experienced legal guidance can help you protect your rights and prepare for the future. The attorneys at Gordon & Perlut, LLC represent clients throughout Skokie, Chicago, Cook County, and the surrounding communities in matters involving divorce, child custody, parental responsibilities, child support, spousal maintenance, and complex property division.
Contact Gordon & Perlut, LLC at our Chicago office at 312-360-0250 or call our Skokie office at 847-329-0101 today to schedule a confidential consultation with an experienced Skokie divorce attorney and learn how we can help you navigate every stage of the divorce process.
This article is intended for general informational purposes and does not constitute legal advice for any individual case.
